Subtle Aspirations

There are so many books, citations, mere mentions on how a thought is all what it takes to change your life.

Having read so many of these books in recent past, I’ve always found myself stuck in the simplest question - believing in what you intend to have in your life.

To begin with, there’s are many reasons why you see this around - about thinking ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ thoughts. But how do you achieve that and remain in that frame I mind constantly?

Life will always push and nudge to bring in realities that don’t match up to your intention of success, your sanity.

I’ll share with you a very simple experience.

My current state of life, as I’ve known it, has been quite amazing over the last couple of months. I’ve been quite content ‘overall’.

Now the one thing that I’ve known to flip out and stress massively on is anything got to do with finances.

Having had made some pretty serious financial mistakes a few, infant years ago, I’m still in the middle of correcting my mistakes. 2 days ago I realised of some major payments that were to be made, ones which I had conveniently forgotten recently. In a bit of a crunch recently with the interstate move and the decision to ’start from scratch’, I woke up this morning with only the thought of ‘how the hell am I gonna pull this off?’

I could not quiet my mind no matter what I tried. I worried endlessly and was constantly pensive in thought.

I consciously tried to remove myself and to visualise better things, to meditate… Everything just felt ‘lame’ at that moment.

Now yesterday, I had messaged a friend of mine just generally expressing my state of mind. This morning she had replied to the message saying ‘Dev, I want you to actively try to guide your thoughts away from what you don’t have in your life right now, to what you DO have currently on your life.’

I was standing in the balcony, stressing unconsciously when her message arrived.

At first, I scoffed at it. My thoughts - ‘what does she know?’ and ‘how the hell is that going to make any difference to my worry right now?’

But then I noticed another thought. A little voice speaking within saying to me, “Dev, it all begins in the mind. Granted you don’t have a solution right now. But how will stressing on the situation help? Let’s try and make a mental list of all that you DO have in your life right now.”

With that thought I made an attempt to make a mental list of everything I am thankful for. Honestly speaking I could not think of anything at all. I could not break away from the worry I had at hand. Then I heard my own voice trying I command my thoughts… ‘Dev! Think! What are you thankful for in your life right now!’

With that, I felt like I had to just pretend to convince that voice, and maybe make something up so I could shut it up. So I thought, real hard… and as silly as it sounded, I came up with the first thing that I felt I was thankful for in my life right now. It was a stupid reason, and I laughed at myself when I thought of it, but I was thrilled that I did it. So I tried to come up with another one. Every single moment I kept questioning how the hell is this gonna help, but I kept going.

The worry didn’t fade away. But it definitely felt ‘tamed’ after a while.

I started feeling comforted within, an unrealistic comforting surge of faith that I can pull this off. I don’t know how, yet… But just the trust in that faith helped me feel way better than I was feeling!

What happened here?

Let me be very clear. By no means this ’solved’ the problem at hand.

What this did, is that it put my mind at ease. Filled it with hope… And eventually gave me a perception of strength to be able to perceive solutions which otherwise I would’ve spent in nothing but fruitless worry and pile ups eventually.

Simply put, here are the INSTANT steps you can take to put a stop to gnawing worry and just feel centered:

1. Shut your eyes real tight. Tell yourself, ‘I am only gonna take 2 minutes from this worry to think of something else’
2. Now tell yourself ‘I’m going to count the number I times I breathe out 10 times’ - with that, do that!
3. Now think of the one thing you’d like to do if everything in your life was perfect. It may take a while, but that’s all you have to do, just pick any 1 thing that you would love doing, knowing when everything is perfect as you’d like to have it in your life.
4. Finally, blank out everything in your head and say thanks for that 2 minute experience to your mind. Be grateful to your mind that it listened to you and gave you those 2 mins you asked for peaceful day dreaming :)

That’s it! There’s nothing more to it.

Yes I know you’ll be like, ‘How the hell is this gonna solve my issue?’ or maybe you read this and scoff at it, saying under your breath, ‘Dev, my problems are far greater than this insignificant thing!’

I urge you to try this for just 3 days. Can you do that? As I said before, you only have to do it for 2 mins. You can do it as many times you can remember to do it in a day if you want.

I’d like to know if you did try it, what were your experiences?

As a closing line, I’d like to dedicate this post to someone I recently “met” in the online world - Carla White, the creator of The Gratitude Journal iPhone App which you can check out at http://www.happytapper.com. Thank you Carla for such a simple, yet an effective application for the world.

Oh boy!

This is what happens when you get a sudden, unquenchable urge to play something and record it after years!

I love this song. It’s one of the most honest expression in lyrics that I’ve heard. Recently I heard an acoustic version of it by Pearl Jam. Which is what inspired me to learn to play it on the gad.

Here’s my rusted, rendition. Yes I know this doesn’t even sound close to half of what it would’ve sounded if I would’ve recorded it about a decade ago, but hey… I still tried ;-)

No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man
To be the sad man, behind blue eyes
No one knows what it’s like to be hated
To be fated, to telling only lies

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like to feel these feelings
Like I do, and I blame you
No one bites back as hard on their anger
None of my pain and woe, can show through

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like, To be mistreated,
To be defeated Behind blue eyes
And no one knows how to say, That they’re sorry
An’ don’t worry I’m not telling lies

But my dreams, they aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance that’s never free

No one knows what it’s like, to be the bad man
To be the sad man, behind blue eyes

Five past six in the morning. The piercing siren of the alarm jolts him into wakefulness. He debates in that split open second whether he had heard that alarm before. Sleep beckoning, he abandons the question and involuntarily reaches out to put it off. He opens his eyes and makes do with the darkness. He never was a strong believer in surprises. He treated his eyes the same way - let the light come in slowly, not just yet. Let’s not incinerate pain, he profusely believed.

The blissful waking moment begins to fade as the oversights start gushing in. Last night, last evening, last afternoon and then very gently, like a blood stain making its way on a clean sheet, the pinhole innocuously expands, bringing in realities of his existence from his waking life.

“That moment, the moment just when you wake up, when you’re amidst seeping out of your subconscious… that moment… why can’t it last longer? Where, nothing matters. Where it’s bliss in its truest, naked form. When it’s…”, he arduously wonders to himself for a while before succumbing to reality.

Another moment of time, torn and tethered between an unconscious hiatus.

He breathes, alertly, begging himself to master the art of focus. The one where you can gently pull your thoughts together. The more he tries, the harder it gets to achieve a moment of serenity. Like every other day, he dismisses the effort and decides to get on with the day.

In every moment of his morning chores, hoard of his aberrations pile up, astonishingly in a chronological order of occurrences.

Imagine a mind numbing, unquenchable, throbbing headache?

His head felt fraught, laden with the unwitting accumulation of presumably every single wrong that had ever occurred, sometimes leading him to spend hours in his very early, delusionary past.

“Breathe”. He reminded himself.

He looks at his wrist watch, 7.47am. Better not miss the bus today. Which leads him to recollect how he almost missed an important acquisition meeting 2 weeks ago. They missed the deal and he couldn’t stop erratically grazing between standing up for himself and blaming himself. And of course, that leads him to relive the snarks, the comments and the pressure of relentless persecution at work. Like a wound that keeps on bleeding, reminding him not to think!

Smack right in the middle of his mind, very graciously reiterating the vexed experience that occurred a few weeks ago, he reluctantly lets out a scream!

“Please!”
“Please stop!”
“I beg of you, stop!”
“I cannot take this anymore!”
“I cannot bear this pain anymore!”
“I cannot fight this endless fight!”
“I cannot live like this!”
“I cannot live”
“I cannot…”
…
And the alarm shrieks out, jolting him into wakefulness!
He looks at the clock. ‘Five past six’. Within seconds the stark reality hits him. He realises, this morning, there isn’t going to be any blissful waking moment to ease him out of his serene subconsciousness!

Been here before
Been here before
Been here before
Been here before

Been here before
Been here before

Been here before couldn’t say I liked it
Do I start writing all this down?
Just let me plug you into my world
Can’t you help me be uncrazy?

Name this for me, heat the cold air
Take the chill off of my life
And if I could I’d turn my eyes
To look inside to see what’s comin’

It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

I’m frantic in your soothing arms
I can not sleep in this down filled world
I’ve found safety in this loneliness
But I cannot stand it anymore

Cross my heart and hope not to die
Swallow evil, ride the sky
Lose myself in a crowded room
You fool, you fool, it will be here soon

It comes alive
And I die a little more
It comes alive
Each moment here I die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And I wait for this train
Toes over the line
And then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

Get the fuck out of here
I just wanna get the fuck away from me
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
It hate it all, why? Why? Why me?

I cannot sleep with a head like this
I wanna cry, I wanna scream
I rage, I glaze, I hurt, I hate
I wanna hate it all away

For a few years now I’ve subscribed to “Inspiration Peak” messages.

It’s great to receive them smack right in the middle of your day. Makes you stop for a few minutes and simply reflect on a few things.

We all get tied up time and again in our daily rut of life as we call it. It is important, no doubt, to follow our passion and/or struggle to achieve and survive. Yet, every now and then we need to simply take at least 5 minutes off at any given time and focus on the existence that is you!

For me, I’ve made a habit of doing that everytime I read one of these messages that pop up in my inbox.

I urge you to create a trigger and follow a pattern in simply trying to achieve those silent, inwardly focussed 5 minutes each day of your life.

If you do end up doing so, do write back and let me know what’s your trigger and how do you find it :)

Here’s today’s message:

My heart is so small
it’s almost invisible.
How can You place such big sorrows in it?

“Look,” He answered,
“your eyes are even smaller,
yet they behold the world.”

http://www.inspirationpeak.com

So far I’ve done alright, God. I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very happy about this. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed.

And from then on, I’m going to need a lot more help.

Phew! What a run! Been a long lost time since I’ve updated my blog.

Simple to say that life’s been simply beautiful and I cannot be more grateful :)

Well, as most of you know that I made this “drastic” move to a new city at the first opportunity that fell in my lap. Now I wasn’t really looking, but it just so happened. I guess it was life’s way of asking, “would you like to move on my friend?”

The arsenic rust that I had grown into, I was quite taken aback myself on my decision to move.

What most people don’t know is that I let go of my whole 8 years of life I lived in Sydney - I gave away most everything I ever possessed and had collected over the years.

Surprisingly, what I didn’t realise is how much of my memories, the animosity, the distrust, the anger, the frustration and all that comes along with it, I parted with :)

It wasn’t until quite a few weeks here that it hit me with what I’ve done.

I immersed myself in work. Along with came the “joy” of finding an apartment for myself. I did so in a month and for the first time in my life, made this apartment, a home for myself :)

I’ve never before felt the need to “choose” and be “peculiar” about what I wanna get for the place and stuff - but over the month I spent so much time (oh and of course, don’t forget the moolah) in just setting the place up.

Friends were there to help, but I was quite surprised at my own inclination to do so.

Soon enough my lil sis will be joining me here to spend a few months with me - something I’m truly looking forward to!

But before that, there’s something else much “alluring” that I’m looking forward to… :)

I must add that this change in location, as mere it may sound for a third person, has changed so much within me - my perceptions, my perspectives and from the looks of it, my luck :)

I’ve been letting go more and more of my old ties, making new friends, improving my knowledge, learning new things, cheering for new things in life and pleasantly, looking forward to life each day! Although work keeps me pretty occupied right now… I yearn for this change!

…
…
…
…

I couldn’t help but pause - one of my recent favourites just started playing on my random playlist - “Far Away” by Nickleback :)

Someone I recently got to know, pointed this song out to me, saying she was thinking about me while listening to it - have drawn a close affinity towards the song since :)

Anyways, I guess I lost my train of thought. I’m gonna cook some pasta, pour some good merlot, sit back, relax and maybe listen to some Bach… recently heard “Pachelbel’s Cannon in D” and I was instantly hooked!

Until next time… cheers to new, lasting beginnings ;)

No one likes changes - changes which fall upon you, may it be by fate or a decision you’ve made.

Good changes are welcomed - but there’s always an unnerving feeling of the transition between your current state and adapting the change.

The reason for this post is two fold:

Firstly - an update to all who drop by here.

I’ve embraced a big change in my life :) I’m moving cities and intending to actually settle down in Melbourne. 

Honestly, Melbourne has been on my mind for a few months now but nothing tipped the scales for me like a few weeks ago.

In short - I applied for a dream job - something that I’ve always wanted to do and couldn’t quite find the fit anywhere before. I applied online and shortly after the application I got an email from them saying that they’re interested to have a chat. 

The phone interview went great and a week later I was in Melbourne for a face to face interview. 

Cutting it short - they made a good offer, coupled with my subliminal intention of “starting fresh”, I accepted the role and confirmed that I’ll move within a fortnight.

I made a snap decision right then that I’m going to get rid of most of the stuff that I’ve owned over the years here (more specifically the things I purchased over the last 3 years).

I don’t know if what they say is true - out of sight is out of mind - but I’m not risking carrying anything with the memories of the past with me over.

As the days draw closer to the big move, my knees go weaker. I know the emotional attachment with the city I’ve lived in for the last 8 years is going to be a tough nerve to severe.

My flatmate, Karan, said something very profound to me the day I came back from Melbourne (at that time I hadn’t yet made my decision of moving - only contemplating it). He said and I quote:

“There is no growth in the comfort zone, and no comfort in the growth zone”

That statement kinda hit home for me. Yes I’ve become too comfortable in the small life that I had. I had mulled too long in the aftermath of the destitution that I had brought upon myself. And worse yet, I had grown too comfortable living with all that filth in my head. 

Most naturally there was no room left whatsoever to grow and seek a better life.

That night as I put my head on my pillow, Karan’s words echoed back in my head - and I knew that I’m going to take this risk. I’m going to give this a shot. I’m going to MOVE :)

So with the support from my family and all my friends who I’ve known - I endeavor to take what they say - another baby step - reminds me of what Ruch had told me long ago - “it’s all about taking baby steps my dear, and before you know it, you’ve walked a mile!” :)

—–

So, as I said earlier, this post is two fold… 

A few years ago I had subscribed to Brian Kim’s Motivational & Inspirational Messages (MIT) via email. So every evening when I get home, I’ve got one waiting for me. 

Today’s message pretty much felt as if it was directed towards me :) So here it is for anyone who may benefit from it:

Every day is a new opportunity to start with a clean slate.

 

To put the past behind you and to look forward to a promising future.    

 

And to mark this special occasion, try making some radical changes to ”shock” you out of your routine to tell yourself that you really mean business.

 

That THIS is the day things start to change.  

 

• Wake up at an earlier time and lift weights and jog around the block.
• Throw out EVERYTHING you don’t need in your house.
• Tie up all the loose ends you’ve been putting off.

 

Whatever you do, make sure it’s a positive, radical, substantial change to get you off on the right foot and running toward the direction you want.    

 

The hardest part in getting a rocket into space is escaping earth’s gravity.

 

Once it does that, the rest is easy.